The only way to solve this (at least with the limited capabilities of MySQL) to allow NULL
values in both FK columns. Creating a new user with a primary identity would then look something like this:
insert into users (id, primary_identity)
values (1, null);
insert into identities (id, name, belongs_to)
values (1, 'foobar', 1);
update users
set primary_identity = 1
where id = 1;
commit;
The only drawback of this solution is that you cannot force that a user has a primary identity (because the column needs to be nullable).
Another option would be to change to a DBMS that supports deferred constraints, then you can just insert the two rows and the constraint will only be checked at commit time. Or use a DBMS where you can have a partial index, then you could use the solution with an is_primary
column
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